jokes

i guess... i need more jokes and more jokes to make me giggles at times... giggling used to be my forte... laughing non stop is my middle name... since it's my forte and my middle name... will it come back????

3 minute management course

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,when the doorbell rings
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you Ј800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.After a few seconds, Bob hands her Ј800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?""It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the Ј800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story : If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nunonce again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.On his arrival at the church,the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Geniecomes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in theBahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supplyof Pina Coladas and the love of my life."Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say

Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A smallrabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and donothing?"The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.. All of a sudden,a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up

Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but Ihaven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The nextday, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at thetop of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there

Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold thebird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he waslying there, a cow came by and dropped somedung on him.As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began torealize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! Helay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile ofcow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!